It's that time of year where we go to parties and snap-happy photographers capture joyful images that last forever – so we want to look our best. Unfortunately, that's not possible for everyone and some are forced to take desperate measures. Reporter James Dunn enjoyed a makeover from Tulisa and Nicole. No, not the glamorous X Factor judges, the Ugly Sisters from Cinderella, the pantomime at Grimsby Auditorium ...
WHEN my editor told me that I was about to become a woman, I gave the obvious response – "I'm so sorry, never again will there be a factual inaccuracy in any of my stories".
Luckily, nothing was wrong with my stories (for once) and I was – amazingly – relieved to find out I was to made up as a pantomime dame.
Arriving at the Auditorium, I met Tulisa and Nicole, the Ugly Sisters, which they assured me was an ironic name they had given themselves to make the women of Grimsby feel better about themselves. I wasn't convinced – but you can make your own mind up.
I was to become a character called Bunty, a "female" taxi driver from Cleethorpes, and was handed the very fetching polka-dot bloomers, bright green tights and a stuffed bra. I had hoped for bigger breasts, but was sorely disappointed. "That's padded bras for you," Nicole said.
Ladies, I'm sure you would be as concerned as I was when they pulled out their first make-over tool – a Pritt stick. They lathered my eyebrows with it and I wondered if this was a practical joke, but those sneaky "sisters" silenced me with flattery.
"You'll be set up for life with those cheek bones," said Tulisa. "You have lovely green eyes," Nicole said. "Like snot," she added. And voilà – I had a forehead-full of Pritt stick, which I was assured would help the make-up come off later.
Now, I'm no expert, but I was always told that less is more when it comes to make-up. The ugly sisters disagreed. They covered my face in an inch-thick layer of foundation then drew a pair of eyebrows halfway up my forehead which made me look like a surprised Egyptian cat.
They used what looked like a paint brush to apply blusher on my face, giving me a clown-like appearance, then came the final touches – a pair of broom-ends to put on each eye which, I'm told, were eyelashes.
"Stop fluttering your eyelashes at me," said Tulisa, as I struggled to see through the gauze over my eyes. The price we pay for beauty, eh girls?
So, after an hour of being made to dress up like the world's most unconvincing transvestite and being subjected to abuse from the ugly sisters, then came the humiliating part. I was marched down to meet the rest of the cast, as Bunty.
Everyone sniggered as I daintily trotted onto the stage in high heels – and why shouldn't they. I got some snaps with the sisters and Kim Woodburn, of How Clean Is Your House, who is playing the Fairy Godmother.
Still, I felt pretty and was still wearing considerably less make-up than a few girls I've seen out in Cleethorpes at the weekend.
Unfortunately, the hardest part was to come – getting the make-up off. Luckily, Tulisa was on hand to offer some advice. "My sister has some wipes in the dressing room. But watch out – there's a few surprises in my sister's drawers."
See more about Christmas events in Grimsby and northern Lincolnshire
