"I USED to curl up in bed every night and pray for the morning. I was only at primary school but I was so terrified of what would be done to me that I wanted to die."
Those are the words of a Grimsby woman who was sexually abused by her father and another male relative for more than four decades. Today, she has bravely shared her story with the Grimsby Telegraph in the hope of stopping others from suffering the same fate.
The woman in her 40s says she wishes she could "turn back time" and tell a friend, teacher or relative what was happening to her.
Wiping back tears, she said: "I sometimes think about how my life would have been different if I hadn't tried to keep this sordid secret for so long.
"I didn't tell anybody because my dad told me it would split up the family. He said he was the only one who would ever really love me and I believed him.
"He said nobody would love me like he did or he'd threaten to kill himself if I told anybody.
"It's too late for me now, I will have to live with the physical and mental scars of what happened for the rest of my life, but I hope that somebody else will read this and get help.
"However old you are, if you think something is happening to you that isn't right, then tell somebody. It could be a teacher, a relative or a friend, but just make sure you get the help you need."
The woman, who has lived in Grimsby her whole life and cannot be named for legal reasons, says her first memory of something inappropriate happening was when she was a toddler.
She said: "It's one of my earliest memories and I'm in the bath playing with the ducks and my dad is putting his hands where he shouldn't.
"I remember he took explicit pictures of me when I was about five years old and kept them in his pocket.
"I used to curl up in a ball at night and just hope the next morning would come.
"I didn't understand what he was doing but I knew it was wrong. I only found out it was rape when I told the police.
"When I was at primary school I used to say I wanted to be dead because of what they were doing to me."
The woman says the sustained abuse even led to the breakdown of personal relationships.
"It's made me mentally unwell and the repercussions have harmed my own children," she said.
"I would never have sexually abused them, but that doesn't mean that the way I treated them wasn't a form of mental abuse.
"I don't know what it means to be loved.
"I've had reports that show I've been conditioned so that my way of thinking is different because of what he did to me.
"My dad had a key to our house so he would let himself in. Sometimes I would wake up and he would be there."
The impact on the woman's life was so significant that she started taking antidepressants in 1989 and struggled to go outside at one point.
She is now in therapy and will need support for the rest of her life.
She finally told somebody about the abuse four years ago and police got involved, leading to both her father and the other relative being jailed for offences including rape, indecent assault and indecency with a child.
She said: "It's difficult to explain how I felt when I told someone because he is my dad and I loved him.
"When the abuse stopped I missed it in one way because the love had gone. That kind of love was all I knew and it had gone.
"It was important for me to go to court and face them, so I didn't have any screens when I gave my evidence."
She added the worst part for her was that some members of her family still did not believe her, despite the convictions.
She said: "I spent years trying to protect my family for no reason. Keeping that secret as a child and as I grew up was a waste of time.
"I want people to realise that there is no point in staying quiet. You can stop abuse, but the only way is to tell somebody."
Call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 or visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for more information.
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