"I DON'T feel lucky to be a survivor – having children is the meaning of life."
These were the words of Lyndsey Ibbertson, 31, who was diagnosed with cervical cancer, aged 26, and now believes her chances of ever having a child are rapidly fading away.
Doctors told Lyndsey she needed to have a hysterectomy or she would die – but she refused, feeling life wouldn't be worth living without at least the "hope" of one day becoming a mother.
She described bringing a child into the world as "the meaning of life" and said that at the time, she did not want to live if she knew that would never happen.
"On my 27th birthday, a few weeks after I was diagnosed, I was a dead woman walking as far as I was concerned," she said.
Consultants were forced to find an alternative to save her life and she was given a trachelectomy, which removes cancer from the neck of the womb – a procedure only available if the cancer is caught at an early stage.
However, although not as invasive as a full hysterectomy, the operation still carries a risk of leaving the woman unable to carry a child to full-term.
The realisation that she may never be a mother was one Lyndsey found it extremely difficult to come to terms with and she has cried every single day since.
She now suffers from depression and severe anxiety and panic attacks, which prevent the former optical assistant from going back to work.
Although she had been in a stable, two-year relationship at the time she was diagnosed, the emotional strain also took its toll on the once-happy couple, and they ended up splitting up a year later.
She said: "I don't blame him. I blame the cancer. I just wasn't the same happy-go-lucky person that I was when we met.
"I know I am lucky as I see more and more young people losing their fight but I'm not the same inside."
Lyndsey even refers to herself as "a nut-job" because of the profound impact the operation has had on her emotional wellbeing.
However, while she thought she would never find another partner because of the emotional state she was left in after her operation, she has now been seeing someone for six months.
She now feels that IVF may be her only chance of having children but is not eligible to receive the treatment with the NHS – which is only available to those who have been in a stable relationship of three years or more and have no existing children.
And, at the back of her mind is the knowledge her partner has two children who are now both grown up.
She said: "I'm 31 now and feel like if I want a child my only option is to dump the man I love and find some idiot who is willing to sleep with a nut-job like me.
"It sounds strong but that is how I feel – and that's not right.
"After the operation, anything and everything upset me that even remotely related to children.
"It was around the time that Jade Goody was going through the same thing and my mum used to have to check the papers before she brought them home.
"As I was growing up, I always thought I had all the time in the world to have a child – it was something I always took for granted.
"Now I realise that I might never get the chance to bring someone great into the world and pass on my knowledge – and it makes me cry every day."
However, help from newly-found friend Sandra Cousins, who runs the Mercedes Curnow Foundation, is now helping her turn her life around.
The charity is named after Sandra's late daughter, who died of cervical cancer aged 23.
She is leading the campaign for screening colposcopys for girls who show symptoms under the age of 25 – the age that the NHS recommends smear tests.
The age was increased from 20 in 2003 due to research showing that often these test revealed false concerns as the ovaries are not fully developed at that age.
Lyndsey added: "I felt so alone for so long – friends who I had known for all my life didn't want to hear me crying every day because as far as they were concerned, I had survived.
"My mum has to do everything with me because I'm so nervous about things and I feel like I am such a burden on her.
"But speaking to Sandra changed things – it made such a difference to have someone who understands at the end of the phone when I needed to talk.
"Since I have been trying to raise awareness about their campaign, it has got me out speaking to people which is something I never would have done before.
"Talking about smear tests is a little bit embarrassing, but we need to change that so people are willing to talk about it – and go out and book one.
"Having a test is a little embarrassing but it is nothing compared to regular embarrassment from appointments and check-ups you will suffer if you later find out you have cancer"
Lyndsey also thinks more should be done to take the message to schools.
She added: "A lot of young ladies think that condoms just stop pregnancy and STIs but they can also protect against the HPV virus, which causes cancer.
"I will never know if being tested earlier could have saved me from cervical cancer but, what I would say to young people, is don't risk it.
"There is an attitude that nothing can be done until you are 25 but no-one knows your body better than you and if you think there is something wrong, don't be embarrassed to make a nuisance of your self and demand a colposcomy.
"These should be available to anyone who is worried – no matter what their age.
"The Mercedes Curnow Foundation have already paid for numerous colposcomys for girls under 25 and two have needed treatment – that's two lives saved."
To find out more about the Mercedes Curnow Foundation, follow this link or search for them on facebook:Mercedes Curnow Foundation
